, , , , , , , , , ,

There are good people in the world. I am not one of em. But I make it my business to read about these people or know about them as much as I can so I can learn how to be good.

There are very simple steps that need to be followed to be a good human being.

Be kind

Treat other beings with respect

Do no say unkind words. Especially to those who love you or whom you love

Do not cheat others or do things that will hurt them

Help others, especially those less fortunate than you are

So and so forth. Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? Yet here we all are. Well, I’ll be honest. I don’t know about others and I am in no position to comment on what others do. I can only talk about myself. That’s what this blog really is. Me me me, all the time. That right there is why I know I am not a good person.

I have to say though, I am not really the cheat-other-people-sort but I have done things that have hurt other people. My anger, although in control, is legendary in my family (could surpass my father). When I start speaking in anger, only the most hurtful words will come out.

I say I want a life of service, at least I think I want it. I became a doctor, worked for dead-end government jobs, thinking I will be doing just that. But it never satisfied me. It was a temporary relief from being me when someone old or sick would tell me that they felt better or if I saved a life. I am not sure, but maybe I did damage some lives as well. Whatever it was, I still left it for my ambition of doing more, being something else, someone more successful. It is selfish. It is driven by wanting more. I want to earn more, spend more.

I am actually scared of being rich. I’ve been in a financial shit-hole for so long, that the idea of having money scares me. I keep thinking I will go of the deep end and become even more shallow than I am and probably join those shallow kitty party auntie league who eat at posh places and wear designer clothes. I will probably kill myself the day that happens. But who knows. There is an arrogance in looking down at these aunties too. I worry I will lose my head and just go ballistic. Just buy buy buy things, even though I hate shopping. I will also become fatter than I am because lets face it, I will eat more of the junk food that I avoid now coz it’s a wastage of money (not because it’s unhealthy).

The thing that gets to me the most is how unkind I have become. The things I sometimes say to my parents and brothers. It is unfair and really not deserved. I blame them sometimes for a lot of shit that went down. It doesn’t matter if they are to blame or not, I just do it. I use the word ‘sacrifice’ with so much ego like I did something that was amazing, when it’s so far from the truth. The truth is probably another galaxy and we are still on the milky way. Everyone has troubles in their lives. But my problems are the biggest. My problems are right in front. That’s just…. what is that!? My brothers have had a more awful life living so far away, than I have. I still had the comfort of being with my parents. They are loving and they show love. As opposed to me, I am not very loving. I am suspicious of everyone. And I do not know how to show love to anyone. Feel like a robot.

That is not. I am so full of myself that I forget that my IQ is average and my EQ is below average. And I have the audacity to think other people are dumb. (There is laughter in my head right now. I am literally laughing at my own self). I treat others like they are dumb and show no patience. I wonder when I have helped people in my class, was it because of this arrogance. Probably.

There are people going through worse, yet all I talk about is my problems and my life. My clinical depression is the worst. I’ve thought about ending it, a lot of times. More times than I want to admit. Got close to it once. Shouldn’t it make me humbler, nicer or understanding or just better with other peoples feelings?

I think I need a “How to be a good person – for dummies” book. Imagine! I have role models at home for this kinda thing. Yet here we are. I don’t like who I am anymore. This part of me at least.

So, I try to be better than I am. I try to be good person. I am trying. Maybe I will become one if I keep at it.